The horrors of parenting a 13 year old daughter.

As with most teenagers, 13 thinks she is grown enough to yell at us and she is really testing those waters. Waters I'm going to drown her ass in if she's not careful. She never throws "step father" at me unless she's mad at hubs. He is a good step-father to her, 90% of the time putting more time and effort into her than her natural father. (He simply texts her day in and day out) Hubs has been good to 13. I admit, when we first got together damn near 10 years ago, there was a jealousy issue, and hubs had his own daughter from a previous marriage and i had issues with her, but through the years 99% of those issues have been solved. And I assure you it's taken us almost 10 years to work through them. There was a time when those girls could pit my husband and i against each other, making us the ones that were being hateful while the girls sat back waiting for a break up or divorce. And we came damn close a couple of times.

At some point, it dawned on us that they would start a fight with something they said or did and we would be the ones paying the price. They had us separated, we weren't a union. We were "her mom and her dad", each. There was no fairness, it was a tit-4-tat all the way and it was the 2 people in the house who were supposed to be the adults that were acting like the other parent was bashing their child. And both of us knew that we had done things that were unfair. The kids had decent routines, we were young, doing the best we could, balancing an "already made" family on both sides, trying to defrag what the girls natural parents had been telling them..........We also knew that if we really thought that the other parent were deliberately hurting our child, we would not have gotten married to them. So came the epiphany. They were the assholes. They were smart ass little girls who were lying to each other, lying to us, telling family members how each were being treated so badly, of course sending both grandmothers through the roof because go forbid a step parent tell their precious grand daughter NO. They were typical kids from divorced parents that were using each of us to get at the other parent and the other kid.

So we united. We kicked ass all over that rented little house. We hollered, we talked, we explained, we "timed out", we took closer looks at our own children, and then we had one together. (4boy) We tried to be as fair as possible to each of the girls, understanding that one got a bit more because she was a bit older, yet one got a little more leniency because she was a bit younger and we watched them begin to understand us. Sometimes still we see them try to manipulate us, but now, instead of throwing a glass of tea across the living room at each other, we meet up in the bedroom to ask "What the hell are you doing with her?" And granted, sometimes we make sense to one another and sometimes we don't, but when it used to be a "sure, you can have 50 friends spend the night Saturday and what the hell, take a bottle from the liquor cabinet and sneak out please" Now, it's "I don't know, lemme ask your dad" or "what did your mom say?" because we are united. And I'll tell you something else....

We made each other #1. We are solid. We come first. They are going to grow up and move out leaving us with.........each other. And with that, we are 1 hundred and 50 millionth (is that a word?) better parents than we were 7 years ago. There is no division. And the girls understand that we no longer put up with them pitting us against one another. We crossed that bridge and then tore it down so everyone knew, that shit wasn't going to happen again.

13 was having a meltdown last night. Hubs and I hollered at her for slapping her brother and you would have thought we ripped her hair out strand by strand. Once past that, i told her she could stay up 30 minutes later to watch a show and then hubs reminded me what an ass pain she's been to wake up in the mornings so i tell him to go tell her to go ahead and go to bed. He walks in to her room and tells her to go to bed now (as opposed to 30 minutes later) and suddenly my walls begin to shake, cabinets detach themselves and a spray of hot lava unearths from my living room floors.

Let me introduce you to the teenage years. And I'm still not sure I'm going to live through them. Hell, I'm not sure she is going to live through them. I'm not sure if i will physically be able to handle 12 going through them. (Is duct taping them to chairs and walking out of the room illegal?) Last night 13 went from "I hate him mother, he's always mean to me" to "Do you know how much I hate YOU and want to leave this house FOREVER" because she was not allowed to stay up for 30 more minutes? My child, the sweet little pig-tailed, chubby cheeked, angelic little girl i birthed, stood in the middle of my kitchen last night and screamed, with swollen eyes, how I have to "choose who I want to live with-----Her or my husband"! I just stood there looking at her and then told her that she needed to go to bed and settle herself and then she stared dead-2-right at me and said "I hate you!" and stomped out of the kitchen. I simply looked over at hubs who gave me this confused expression as to when the hatred went from him to me? And still? Damned if i know.

Maybe because i was the one standing in the kitchen? Maybe after I explained that the injustice of her missing 30 missing of American Idol was my fault, not his? Maybe she was still pissed off that we hollered at her for slapping the ever loving shit out of her brother? Why me, i don't know. After we got in her ass about slapping 4boy, and she kept making smart remarks hubs asked her for her cell phone. She pointed and literally said "Its over there, take it, i don't pay for it anyway" (Immediately i mentally prayed that husband didn't lunge at her and shove it down her throat, of which he did not, he just took it and walked out, although for a split second i thought i would smother her with all her name brand clothes that she doesn't pay for either) But yet, suddenly, 1 hour later, because 30 minutes meant life or death in her teen aged world, i was Satan. Horns and all.

After I accepted responsibility for ruining her life, i went to the bedroom to watch TV and read my book. She popped in about 5 minutes later wanting her cell phone. I told her that I hadn't been the one to take it, that she would have to talk to her dad. This really rocked her boat. At that very second, i thought i needed to find me something sharp to sleep with because she was certainly coming back to get me after i fell asleep. She told me "do you even know how much i hate you? How much I want to move out of this house?" and i replied with "Don't have a clue 13, but remember when you leave, the name brand clothes, the ipod, the Vera Bradley bags, the cell phone, the TV, the bed, and everything else stays with me" and thats when my brown eyed beauty of a daughter slit her eyes at me and said "i just need to get away from you" and i thanked god. Another epiphany had occured. She realized she just needed to get away from me. Go to bed. Whatever, just give me some private time to organize my weapons and beer cans on a string because I'm gonna know if you sneak in on me tonight.

But this morning? She woke up and made husbands coffee. She helped me get 4boy ready for school. I didn't say much to her, I was still a little skiddish that she might take me out when i least expected it (I sniffed the coffee before taking a sip) so i just told everyone to have a nice day and i left. I spoke with hubs on the cell phone and asked if 13 had said anything to him. She asked for her cell phone back. He gave it back to her. Turns out after we had a stand off in my bedroom, hubs went in to apologize to her for hollering at her and talked to her about slapping the shit out of 4boy, and told her she could have her cell back in the morning. (We didn't want her texting her dad last night spewing her hate and venom because I'm not going to deal with him questioning me, although most of the time he realizes she is a teenager with teenager mood swings) Anyway, hubs gave her the cell phone back and she was happy and bouncy.

So essentially, after she created chaos for an hour and a half in our house last night, as we watched her turn from normal 13 year old girl to "waitress #3 who gets bitten by zombie # 6" she then woke up this morning and deemed it a better day.

So for you parents with those cherub little girls now, remember, THEY TURN, and THEY TURN QUICK! And for you parents who have lived through this hell and are now friends with your daughters, congratulations.

To anyone with special powers......make it stop, please make it fucking stop, i promise not to pee in the shower no more if you just MAKE IT STOP!