Be ye thankful, you ungrateful shit head!

This not having a job thing is especially hard on me. I built walls that surrounded the budget in our home and there was nothing that could bring them down. (ya right) The occasional emergency that might have come up, anything that would require a change in budget was dealt with and i made a new budget. I am a bankers daughter, budgets are important to me. Being able to go into wal mart and purchase not only what i needed, but what i wanted as well? Important to me. Being able to go-go-go on the weekends? Important to me.

I don't know how to say this, but i am humbled. I was so secure in this life. The hubs and I have been able to provide fairly well for our family, we've been able to go and do things, we grew from eating hamburger helper every night to grilling steaks. This was important to us, the growing. The evolving into being not poor, but middle class. To knowing we could shop at the nice stores, to buy the name brand groceries. These are things that we were proud of being able to do.

And those are stupid things. I spent 88 bucks at the grocery this morning to feed this family for the next 2 weeks. Instead of walking through, tossing shit i didn't know what to do with in the buggie, i had to mentally count the dollars i was spending. I had to keep clear what went in that cart and how much i was going to be able to spend. And i had to be damn accurate because before i checked out, i was going to have to call the bank and have them transfer money from our savings so the electronic check would clear.

I couldn't imagine living like this before. We were better than that. "We had our ducks in a row dammit, and we worked hard to get them there so screw you if your in a worse situation, WE deserve our luxuries." And that's how I felt. Now? I could kick myself in the ass for being such a self absorbed bitch. Who the hell was i to judge you for not having a better job? Who the hell were we to not understand why you couldn't go out with us on Saturday night and spend 80 bucks on dinner and drinks? I simply did not understand those folks who were struggling. To me, it was as simple as "get a decent job."

And here i am, wondering what was really important. My job? The shopping? The Saturday night party nights? Buying that car for the hubs to restore? Some days i feel like i am being punished for thinking such shit head thoughts. Some days i wonder if this is a lesson from god. I can only imagine his thoughts, "Heatherg, you need to be humbled. Your a snob-ass and I'm sick of it. That horse you rode in on, ITS GONE! Now your going to walk! Your going to be reminded that people do the best they can with what they have and your "judge-jury and executioner way of thinking" is bullshit" (Maybe god isn't actually saying those words but I'm getting the jest of it)

So today, i appreciated the pizza in a box I bought. (One of those chef boyardee pizza maker things) That 8 pounds of hamburger meat marked down.... i was all over it. Passing up fancy steaks and baby backs was good for me. I needed to remember how to make less than 100 bucks last 2 weeks. I needed to strike up a new friendship with Ramon noodles of every flavor. And Mr. Bologna, I cant say that the hubs is welcoming you back into his lunch box with open arms, but he knows your coming and he is going to be thankful that your there.

And to the many thoughts in the last few years that swarmed around my head thinking "if you just tried a bit harder, you would be "so much better off" according to my standards........ I 'm sorry. I didn't want to know or realize how hard it is when your simply trying to keep a roof over the family's head and food on the table. Instead of appreciating the things i had, when i had them, I expected them. Shame on me. I couldn't be more humbled right now.