In Remembrance

10 Years ago today, my 9 year old nephew used his soccer shoelaces to hang himself from the front porch of his parents home. We (my EX-husband and myself, and my 2 daughters) lived next door. We shared 6 acres of land between the 2 families. He was my nephew on my ex-husbands side of the family, nonetheless, he was my nephew. I watched him grow up for 4 years. 4 years in a childs life is a long time. His and mine. I was 22 years old. I had never seen death up close as no one i've ever loved had died as of yet.

He was 9 years old. The only boy, the youngest boy of 4 children. My ex sister in law was a drunk, for lack of a better word. She was a "functioning drunk" but a drunk nonetheless. She was 15 years older than myself. My ex brother in law was not a drunk, but a selfish person who left his wife to raise the kids. All this little boy wanted was to go fishing and hunting and riding with his dad, to just be daddy's boy, but my ex BIL couldnt do that. Nephew spent most of his time begging and bargaining for his fathers attention. He would never get it. I dont know why. Selfishness? Lack of patience for his own child? I dont know. Truthfully, I was too young to know. I had small children myself living a lifestyle i didnt like, one that i had already determined I was getting out of.

It was 6 acres of land that had its issues. I was too young to be there. Everyone was older than I with "real life" problems that i had no concept of. I refer to it now as almost a cult.........there was a way of doing things, the women (My ex SIL & Myslef) had responsibilities and the men, (My ex husband and ex BIL) had little responsibility. I think back now, and think that if it werent for me and my ex SIL, nothing would have run. No bills would be paid, no children to be raised, no basic life functions would have existed, because we maintained everything. The men simply floated through. The life that i lived for those 4 years turned my ex SIL into that bitter drunk, (Although long before i became involved) and was turning me bitter. I had to go, get out of it and i knew it. My parents knew it. I was becoming aware enough to know that i didnt want to live the rest of my life working 2 jobs, raising my girls and still being mentally screwed on a daily basis. I cant begin to tell you about the consistent mind-f*ck I endured. Well, i could but i'd do it over a few toddy's, pack of cigarettes and alot of tears. And you wouldn't believe me. There are still things i think about that i have learned to "adjust" my way of thinking because it was drilled into my head in the most unreasonable way for 4 years.

After nephew hung himself, his 16 year old sister cut him down. Life flight tried to revive him. I can remember running through the pine cones and roots of the trees in bare feet at 8'o clock at night. Not being able to focus on anything but the emergency vehicle lights. I can remember the wind from the life flight helicopter landing. I remember my Ex SIL driving down the long driveway, comming home from work, and jumping out of her vehicle while it was still running. I remember her being held back and falling in hysterics.

I dont remember the ride to the hospital. But i remember being the "kid" and having to call family members. I remember being the primary in planning the funeral. I remember only parts of the funeral. I remember sitting in the shower and crying. And I remember someone telling me that the death of a child will make or break a family. Regardless of how strong they are, and knowing that this family was a weak one, all of us, and we would all break.

I left shortly thereafter. I packed garbage bags full of clothes and took the furniture from the kids bedrooms, (A bunk bed and 2 dressers) and moved into an apartment with a friend. I was a little girl who thought she was all grown up, who had been slapped by realities that i had no business knowing about. And i saw what was happening to that family. I was getting off those tracks before the train came. A train that later entailed suicide attempts by my ex SIL AND ex BIL. That family, in its entirety, was breaking.

I've always kept in touch with my nieces from that side. No one ever thought of them through the tragedy. I would like to say that i did, but i was running away with my own two children, trying to keep my mental wits about me. I felt guilty you see, because in hindsight, there were signs that nephew was contemplating suicide. AT.9.Years.Old. (They ended up ruling it as an "unintentional suicide) He would literally say to me "Aunt Heather, i should just kill myself" and the kid that i was, laughed it off, told him he was being foolish, told him to come on inside the house and play with the girls. And it was because i didnt know any better. I knew his, THEIR (All the kids) lives were difficult and that they were being brain washed into believing the oddest of things as was I, but it was all they had ever known. I knew better.

The girls are doing well. One went to college in South Florida, the other grew up and got married and had a son, and the other floats through this life with little concern. She's a 20 year old kid having fun without someone telling her how ugly she is. They will survive and will continue to do so.

My ex SIL is up north somewhere, probably drinking herself into an oblivion. I actually saw her a few years back. I was ashamed of her and sorry that for 4 years she had been my hero. And I wondered, what the hell had i been thinking?

My ex BIL lives 2 hours away. Still separated from his children, never learning how to parent, blaming everyone but himself, living day to day. I see him on occasion, and i say nothing. I wouldnt know what to say to him. The fury i feel within has not been tamed by time.

My nephew is at a local cemetery, in a mausoleum. A sweet boy who was wise beyond his years, who chose to check out way to early. He would be 19 years old this year. I still have a photo of him on our entertainment center. My husband has watched me move that photo with our family through the years from dresser to shelf to entertainment center. And has never said a word when i tell him i have to go to the cemetery. It was a lifestyle he wishes I would forget, one that sometimes i also wish to forget, but that would mean forgetting my nephew.

Hence everyone else has moved away from this town, i think i'm the only one that still visits him, at least once a year.

So here's to you nephew. To a life that was never lived. To a child that deserved better. To a boy who makes me treasure mine even more so.